Jargogled Impressions.

In the tender lull of the late afternoon he sat wondering about the choices he had made. She had left him, leaving him behind, mulling over why things were the way they were. In the thick of it he never realized what he had given up in order to chase what he felt he wanted. And now that want had disappeared just like that, he was left again wondering why.

The car came to a halt in front of the condo and out-hopped a young kid, five years old perhaps. There was a smile on his face and a backpack, a unicorn backpack with tails hanging out of the back. Out from the other door came an elderly gentleman with a cane in his hand and deep thick-set glasses. The air was warm in the late July afternoon and everything seemed quieter than it actually was.

Slowly the elderly man took the boy’s hand and started walking towards the condo, climbing the steps slowly one step at a time. The boy had curiosity. He kept looking around even while holding the man’s hand. Inside the doorman opened the door for the two. The elevator, shiny gold in its embellishments, opened soon enough and took in the two guests.

As they knocked on the door, the man got up, surprised. Here was the living proof of things that did matter and here was the object of his attention. How would he be able to share the news with this young soul? How would he tell him that he would never see his mother again?

No he could not do it. Not today.

The boy came in and gave his dad a hug and looked around instantly, eyes searching the corners in each room of the condo.

Where is mom? He said.

I don’t know maybe she went out.

You don’t know where she went? When will she come back?

I don’t think she’s coming back.

What does that mean? Where is mom?

Your mom left for another country Andy, and she’s never coming back. I’m sorry.

What? Which country? Why?

She found someone and she wanted to stay away from us as far as possible.

The little boy sat down on the sofa, glum, staring at his feet as the elderly gentleman cuffed and slowly started walking towards the boy.

It’s ok. Maybe she will change her mind and will come back. Are you hungry? Would you want something to eat?

…

Sobing, she left the condo. Unsure of what she had done. Uncertain of where she was going next. She felt guilty and yet she also felt a giddy excitement holding her.

I never wanted him and so it doesn’t matter. She tried to console herself but she knew deep down that what she was doing was not right and yet it felt like the thing that she needed to do anyways. She wasn’t running away from something. She was running towards something and that towards the destination attracted her much more than here.

We live our lives wondering what if and she did never want to live that way. She wanted to try every new experience that came along. She wanted to live life on her own terms and not get bogged down by responsibilities. But that was not all. There was something else nagging her all this while since she had Andy and that nagging feeling never went away even after Andy grew up.

Ever since that exhibition that nagging feeling popped up more often. A loud throbbing pain inside her temples that refused to subside. She had to do something. She had to make a break. She had to try something else or what use this life would be.

Slowly she made her way towards the subway as she caught sight of other people watching her as she sobbed all the way as she climbed down the stairs.

New York had a way of consuming all grief, all happiness, all sorrow, all tragedy. But somehow when you’re in the thick of it, it seems you have become the center of attention and attraction and not the city. But the city doesn’t care.

She came to New York hoping for a better way. The past six years turned out to be something materially different than what she envisioned her life to be. Now she was endeavouring to another city, another country, another continent across the ocean and she wasn’t sure what that would have done for her. But she was sure that she could not be held captive here and that was that.